If you find it hard to ask for help, you're not alone. Even when family, friends, colleagues have told us “if you need anything at all, just ask!” - and we’ve thought that we really should take them up on that - it can feel pretty awkward when it comes to it.
Firstly, what did they mean by “anything”? They’ll re-organise the whole house then take the kids out? Or were they just thinking they could drop a new pack of loo roll round?
And then there’s all those unspoken insecurities it might set off - shouldn’t I be able to do everything by myself? Isn’t motherhood meant to be about sacrifice, and I’m being selfish wanting time for a bath instead of spending it with my toddler? (That one gets a hard no from me by the way).
Well, first a few words in favour of accepting help from the people who love us.
Research has shown that people underestimate how willing others are to help, often assuming they'll be a burden when that’s just not true. One large study in the US found that expectations about what someone else would feel when we ask for help is a common reason that people don’t ask, but that people consistently underestimate others’ willingness to help, both underestimating how positive a would-be helper would feel and overestimating how inconvenienced they’d feel.
Even better, another study from the sixties showed that we actually tend to like people more as a result of doing them a favour.
And don’t forget that there are psychological benefits to helping others; it often makes us feel better ourselves. So next time you could use a hand, remember that you might not be inconveniencing your friend, but actually giving them an opportunity to do something they’ll feel good about, while strengthening your relationship.
That said, there are times when paid help isn’t to be sniffed at.
Here are a quick three reasons that sometimes, and when you can manage or afford it, paid help can win out.
IT CUTS OUT THE AWKWARDNESS
If you’ve had general offers of help (of the “let me know if you need anything” variety), they almost certainly were genuine offers from people who really would be happy to lend a hand. But sometimes, even just navigating the social complexities of how to respond - like what’s an appropriate bit of help you can ask them for, and how to word your reply (do I throw in a “don’t worry if not!” at the end?!) - can leave you exhausted.
Then there are those niggling worries that maybe we’re being a burden. Hopefully I’ve already convinced you to give that one a little re-think, but if there’s a particular reason that worry is still on your mind (maybe your friend has been helping you very regularly and you know they’re going through a challenging time themselves), then sometimes a little paid help can help you feel better about things.
GETTING SPECIFIC
We all have things we do at home in a “certain way” - the order in which we meticulously stack the dishwasher or the exact way the cushions are plumped. For me it’s how my clothes are divided between my drawers and wardrobe: pretty arbitrary to the naked eye but I know my method!
The truth is that when people are helping us out of sheer loveliness, we’re probably not going to want to correct them when they use the wrong cloth for the sink.
Becoming a parent does require a certain amount of letting go, and hopefully you’re able to relax enough to accept much-needed help from people who offer it. But if there are still tasks that you don’t have capacity to do yourself but have very specific requirements about, a paid professional can be easier. Of course if you’re happy being very direct with your friend, that’s fantastic, but otherwise you can remove the awkwardness by giving your clear directions to a professional who’s being paid to give you exactly what you need, how you need it.
EMBARRASSMENT FOR OTHERS
There are all sorts of expectations for the people around the mother after having a child, and in the cases where families have struggled to keep up with all the demands of running a house (most families as far as I’m aware!), I sometimes hear the sentiment “where’s the partner?” Or “where’s the dad?”
Sure, that’s sometimes a valid question: it’s reasonable to expect a level of care for one another within a family. But we often ignore a more difficult truth when we ask that question - that both partners were already at full capacity before having children, and adding children to the mix adds more to the to-do list than two people can reasonably do. In other words, it’s not always a failure - sometimes it’s just maths.
But still, this sentiment persists, making it sometimes feel a bit uncomfortable for other family members when friends come to help with jobs they perceive they’re “supposed” to have done.
This one’s definitely not going to be a consideration for everyone, but it’s worth thinking through - especially in the case of some home tasks like cleaning or laundry.
THE ANSWER
So what’s the answer - should you accept friends’ offers of help or get paid help? I vote both.
Accept every offer of help you get; people generally don’t ask unless they mean it, and it’s a net positive to your relationship to let someone help you. And don’t worry about paying it back - you can repay the favour sometime in the future, or you can pay it forward with someone else when another friend has a baby in a few years’ time.
But if something is leaving you more stressed, or you still have gaps - absolutely get paid help if you can afford it.
And if it’s your friend or family member who could use the help? Offer as much help as you think you can give. Be specific with your offers to remove any need for thinking on their part, and if it’s appropriate for your relationship, you can always impose on them a bit (you’ve obviously got to be sure it will be appreciated before you do, and there are ways to tell them you’re helping while respecting boundaries; when I had a newborn, my friends would tell me they’d made food to drop off for me, then ask which day I wanted it - the perfect balance).
But don’t be afraid to gift a bit of paid support too. It’s not a cop-out; it’s a great way of supporting them with no emotional admin attached for them.